How should we wisely counsel a person who has been accused of abuse?

It has been recognized that domestic abuse is a widespread problem among professing Christians and that churches and counselors have often failed to do an adequate job of protecting victims and holding perpetrators accountable. Much good material has been developed in recent years to help us recognize patterns of sinful oppression and to help those who are in danger to be safe.1

In this article, I would like to address an issue which has received less attention. How should we wisely counsel a person (usually the husband) who has been accused of abuse post allegations (after the allegations are handled according to pastoral obligations and legal responsibilities for reporting)? In order to properly counsel a husband accused of abuse, it is necessary to understand his perspective and way of thinking by listening well (Proverbs 18:13). Knowing his thought process in this situation will enable you to correct wrong thinking and desires with God’s Word and encourage him to aim to please Christ in his response (2 Corinthians 5:9). Below are common perspectives and challenges I have observed through my experience of counseling such men.2

  1. He may have been caught by surprise when he was accused of being abusive. I know men who didn’t realize that their marriages were in trouble until their wives suddenly separated from them. They are often (culpably) ignorant of their sin patterns which need to be addressed. They also are shocked and must deal with many hard emotions. It is devastating to be labeled with the scarlet A of “abuser.” 
  2. He may have suddenly gone from being the leader in the home to feeling completely helpless. After his wife moves out, the amount of contact he has with her may be limited to what she (and her counselor) allows. He may even go through a season of no contact. Or she may limit the number and nature of texts or phone conversations she will exchange with him. The husband is upset that his wife does not comply when he (wrongfully) insists that she immediately return. When counselors say that they must first be counseled separately, he doesn’t understand why they can’t be counseled together. He asks, “How can she know if I have changed if we aren’t spending time together?” 
  3. He may feel that he is in a hopeless situation. Often, he can feel like his hands are tied. For instance, if he admits that he is an abuser, he is guilty, but if he defends himself, then he is in denial of the reality that he is an abuser. Even when he admits sin and tries to change his behavior, he can get discouraged because there is no clear standard of how much progress he must make to move towards reconciliation. If he fails in any way, he is told that he hasn’t changed and like sliding down a chute in the child’s game chutes and ladders, suddenly he is back at the beginning of the process again. 
  4. He may believe that his sins are not justly handled. He may feel that accusations against him are always believed because the contemporary woke mantra is “believe all women.” In counseling, his sins are magnified while hers are ignored. If he tries to prove that some charges against him are false or exaggerated, no one listens. If his wife also struggles with the same sins (i.e., anger, unwholesome speech, etc.), or if she berates him, he isn’t allowed to bring it up with her or in counseling. Certainly, it does not mean that he has no sin on his end (1 John 1:8-9), but the church and counselors ought to be careful of not categorizing people into groups of “oppressors” and the “oppressed” whereby the oppressed can do no wrong and everything is the fault of the person who has “control” in the relationship.
  5. He probably will be more willing to receive correction from someone who listens, understands, and sympathizes (Galatians 6:1). He feels alone and that no one cares about him. When I express that I am seeking to listen well and understand his perspective, this does not mean that I agree with his interpretation of his situation (especially if I haven’t heard the other side, i.e., Proverbs 18:17). Even if he is guilty, I can sympathize with his suffering – even self-inflicted pain hurts (see David’s Psalms of confession – 32 and 51). I believe that some men who have been accused of abuse are willing to receive strong admonition from someone when they trust that their thoughts and feelings are being heard.3 Ken Sande would call this gaining “passport.” 

Ways to help him to humbly and wisely respond to his situation: 

  1. His hope must be in the Lord and not in his wife (Jeremiah 17:5-8). The man accused of abuse typically has the wrong primary goal – getting his wife back. His ultimate goal must be to please God (2 Corinthians 5:9), regardless of whether she returns (which is out of his control). If he looks to his wife to meet ultimate needs that only God can meet, he will be like a bush in the desert (Jeremiah 17:5-6). In his desperation, he will most likely put excessive pressure on her which probably will result in driving her further away. His unstable emotions will dramatically rise, and fall based on how hopeful their last interaction appeared to be. He must learn to find his satisfaction, hope, and stability in the Lord, and trust that as he hopes in God he will be sustained regardless of the length or the outcome of this trial (Hebrews 13:5b).       
  2. He needs help to recognize his sins and then to repent of them (Matthew 7:1-5). He must focus on the logs in his eye and resists the temptation to excuse, minimize, justify, or shift the blame of his sin to something or someone else. Recognizing that he probably has significant blind spots, he must humbly seek help to see his sins as God sees them.4 He must be willing to humbly receive rebuke (Proverbs 9:8; 27:6) and seek accountability (Hebrews 3:13). Has he proudly misused his authority in the marriage (hyper-headship)? Has he selfishly misused biblical teaching about gender roles in marriage? Has he used his authority to dominate rather than to serve (Mark 10:45; John 13)? Has he failed to treat his wife with respect (Proverbs 31:11; 1 Peter 3:7)? He must first repent before God (Psalm 51:4) and then seek forgiveness from his wife. 
  3. He needs to resist the temptation to defend himself and attack others (1 Peter 2:23). Men accused of abuse typically have a strong sense that they are being treated unjustly by their wives and their counselors. Experienced counselors have observed that an alleged abuser often attempts to turn the tables and make his wife’s sin the focus of counseling. The husband should realize that his judgment and perspective are probably distorted because of his pain and blindness to his own sins. If he believes that he is being mistreated, he should entrust judgment for the sins of others to God. He needs to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger (James 1:19), while resisting the temptation to judge (James 4:11-12). 
  4. He must strive to understand his wife’s perspective and to seek her welfare (Philippians 2:3-4). “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” He must move his focus away from his own suffering and consider how his wife has been hurt by his sin and the circumstances of their separation. It may be necessary to help him understand the pain and confusion a mistreated wife experiences so that he can grow in compassion (1 Peter 3:7). Rather than demanding the immediate restoration of his rights he should patiently seek to do whatever is best for her (and the children). He should be willing to bear up with the necessary consequences of his sin, patiently wait until she is safe, and wait until his pastors deem that it is wise for the separation to end.5  He also should ensure that her material needs are met in the meantime (1 Timothy 5:8; Ephesians 5:29). And it generally isn’t worth quarreling about money if he is determined to save his marriage (Proverbs 17:14). 
  5. He needs to assume the best of his wife and their counselors (1 Corinthians 13:7). “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things…” A husband may be tempted to ascribe bad motives to his wife, such as, “She is just looking for an excuse to divorce me and take all of our money.” If she has indicated that she still hopes for reconciliation, he should assume that she is sincere. True Christian women don’t initiate separation lightly and usually hope for reconciliation. Similarly, if he believes that counselors aren’t being fair and aren’t listening to his side, he should be patient and cooperative. Abusive husbands often try to use counselors to regain control over their wives. Counselors typically have a passion for protecting the vulnerable, but they want to be fair, and they also desire for the couple to reconcile. Counseling in cases of abuse is difficult and draining. 
  6. He needs to affirm with gratitude the positive efforts coming from the other side (1 Thessalonians 5:18). Rather than complaining that his wife is limiting communication and demanding more, he should be grateful for any efforts she is making to interact despite how hard it may be for her. Similarly, rather than complaining that the counseling isn’t meeting his expectations he should be thankful that his wife is engaged in counseling and that the counselors are trying their best to help. Even if the counselors that the wife chooses aren’t his first choice, he should strive to be cooperative and respectful. 
  7. He must be prepared to endure (Hebrews 12:1-13). A man who is separated from his spouse suffers from many hard emotions including loneliness and shame. He is often tempted to press for a quick resolution. He doesn’t understand why the counseling is moving so slowly. He doesn’t believe that he gets enough credit for his willingness to confess his faults and to change. He is hoping for reconciliation within days, but reconciliation may take many months. At some point, he may be tempted to give up and move on just to make the pain stop. However, his primary concern must be the glory of God, not his own good, and he needs to demonstrate patience, kindness, and understanding towards his wife. I have seen couples who have been separated for over a year come back together in a harmonious marriage. 
  8. He should hope and pray for not merely the restoration of his old marriage, but the gift of a new marriage full of gospel grace. The Holy Spirit who regenerated us to new life in Christ is the same Spirit that the alleged abuser (if he is a genuine believer) has within him, and therefore, he is able to put sin to death, put on the new self, and be the godly servant-leader that God has called him to be in his marriage. So, counselors ought to pray and hope that God does far more abundantly than all that we ask or think for our counselees (Ephesians 3:20). On multiple occasions, we have seen the Lord work to bring true repentance and forgiveness so that formerly separated couples come back together in a much-improved relationship. 

Summary 

Men who have been accused of abuse experience many emotions – anger, confusion, fear, etc. Your willingness to understand their perspective may be used by God to open the accused abuser’s heart to the correction you offer. God is able to save and transform all kinds of sinners by means of His Word (1 Corinthians 6:9-11; 2 Corinthians 5:17; Galatians 5:16ff; Hebrews 4:12-13; Psalm 19:7ff). 

Reflection Questions: 

  1. What are some of the unique challenges in counseling a man accused of abuse? 
  2. How should a person accused of abuse respond when he feels that accusations against him are unfair and unfounded? 
  3. How should a person accused of abuse address the sins of his spouse? 

Footnotes:

  1. See “Committed to Care: Statement on Abuse and Biblical Counseling” (Association of Certified Biblical Counselors, November 2023), https://abuse.biblicalcounseling.com/.  ↩︎
  2. To clarify, the purpose of this article is to help someone who has been accused of abuse, but nothing has been verified yet. Granted how multi-faceted counseling such men would be, this article includes some wisdom principles for counseling without assuming that he has been abusive, or he is wrongly accused, and either way, the individual still needs to respond biblically to the accusations. I have addressed counseling victims of abuse elsewhere, see Jim Newheiser, The Abuse Pendulum: The Biblical Balance in Our Response to Abuse, The Biblical Solutions Series (Kansas City, KS: Association of Certified Biblical Counselors, n.d.).   ↩︎
  3. A true believer also humbly welcomes correction and rebukes and knows those who are addressing their sin are doing it out of biblical love. ↩︎
  4. For example, 1 Corinthians 4:4 says, “For I am not aware of anything against myself, but I am not thereby acquitted. It is the Lord who judges me.” Here, Paul is saying that just because our conscience is “clear,” it doesn’t mean there is no sin in the presence of God, and our conscience cannot be the sole determiner of sin and our hearts are deceitful. ↩︎
  5. It is important for the pastors to also counsel and ensure that the wife is not being unreasonable, dominated by sinful fear, or is trying to manipulate the situation to get what she wants. ↩︎