Use the PAUSE principle in negotiating/peacemaking.
Another thing, on your peacemaking brochure, right underneath the four promises of forgiveness is the Pause Principle of Negotiating. And we’ll try to cover this before we take the next break. It’s another just memory tool, so if you don’t have your brochure with you, you can try to remember P-A-U-S-E.
Prepare for peacemaking.
- 1 Cor 4:13
P is prepare for peacemaking. Back to my verse, “The plans of the diligent lead to advantage.” To think ahead of time, to plan how you might approach peacemaking, to take initiative, being eager to be reconciled. To be thinking of ways that you can approach this person and peace can be made in a biblical way.
Affirm relationships.
- 1 Cor 13:7
A is affirm relationships. An example I see of this is in Phillipians 4, where Paul is trying to be a peacemaker and is actually appointing a mediator, interestingly. You have these two women in the church who have become famous for a very bad reason. Euodia and Syntyche he urges to live in harmony in the Lord. “In thee, true companion, I ask that you help these women who have shared my struggle in the cause of the gospel together with Clement and the rest of my fellow workers whose names are in the book of life.” See Paul is reminding these ladies who are somehow quarreling, I remember how we served the Lord together. I remember the friendship and the partnership you had. I had a situation some time ago in which there was an attorney friend who had told me, if you ever have any questions, any, that I could help you with, send me an email, let me know, and I’d be happy to help you. And so over a period of a few years, now and then I would have a question, oftentimes relating to things of the church, the counseling center. I would send him an email. He would send me an email back. That was cool. Then one time I sent him an email with a question and I get back like a five-page email written by one of his associates with all kinds of legal gobbledygook that I couldn’t very well understand. And then I got a bill in the mail for about $800. And, so I was trying to figure out what to do about this and thinking about these principles, I wrote him a letter in response to the bill, and in the letter I tried to negotiate a lesser charge, explaining that since we hadn’t really, certainly, the labor is worthy of his wages, and he’s helped me for free many times, and I’m very grateful for that, but it really wasn’t my understanding that this was how this was gonna transpire, and I probably should’ve, on my part, made things more clear before I asked you anymore questions, but here, I’m proposing that I pay this lesser amount of money if that’s acceptable to you. But one thing I concluded the letter with was that I want you to know that my friendship with you is more important than $800, and if you believe that I justly owe this money to you, I will gladly pay it. However, if you’re willing to accept what I’m offering, I’d be happier. And he very cheerfully and gladly accepted my offer and I’ve not been asking him anymore questions.
Understand the interests of others: listen!
- Phil 2:3-4; Jas 1:19; 1 Pet 3:7; Prov 20:5
Also in affirming relationships, as you remember the past love hoping all things. If the phone call isn’t returned, an email isn’t returned, not to assume, well he must be avoiding me. He’s not taking my calls. She’s being mean to me. There can be other explanations. Then you must understand the interests of others. Phillipians 2, it says, “Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves. Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.” So, in a conflict, typically the way we’re thinking is I’ve got something I want to say and would you please be quiet because if you just pay attention you would understand and this would be solved. Love listens. Love is quick to listen. When another person is talking, rather than reloading, getting ready for your turn, try to understand. And that may help you as you are listening well to come up with a mutually acceptable solution. Can you explain their side? One thing I’ll do with a husband and wife in a communication exercise is I’ll say, okay, sir, will you please tell me your wife’s side on this? Do you know it? And you’re not allowed to talk about your side or criticize her side. Can you explain her side? We have an example of this in the bible, in the book of Daniel. Remember in Daniel, chapter 1, where the king wanted the young Hebrews to eat the meat and the food of the Babylonians. They didn’t want to do that for religious reasons, and so Daniel tries to negotiate peace with the guard. What’s the guard’s concern? His concern isn’t what Daniel eats. His concern is that Daniel and his friends might be scrawny and the guard get his head chopped off for not taking care of the king’s special servants. And so the guard, Daniel says I understand your concern is that we not be scrawny, so let us try eating just the vegetables and if we’re healthy, then good, and if not, we’ll eat the meat like you said. So understanding his interests, he was able to creatively devise a solution which resolved the problem.
Search for creative solutions.
- Dan 1; Ecc 9:16
Which is S, search for creative solutions, trying to find something that will meet their interests. Rather than going in and saying, I’m going to win. I’m gonna get my way because I’m right. Is there a way we can find an answer that will meet your concern without compromising my interests or my rights in this situation? That also will involve being gracious and giving in where you can. Humbling yourself, loving others. Like Paul said, better to lose than to go before the unbelieving courts.
Evaluate options objectively and reasonably.
And then evaluate options objectively and reasonably, being willing to consider answers other than the one that you had thought of going in.